Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you

me: *fires therapist*

In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.

[first day in the Coast Guard]

Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!

Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

Wife: omg it’s happening

Me: what is?

*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*

Wife: the baby is coming

Me: what?!

Wife: the baby is coming right now

Me: you’re not pregnant!

*door creaks open*

Wife: run

Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.

Me: *sends a pic of my bills*

COP: please step out of your vehicle

ME: finally *leaves body*

My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references

God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them

I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.

When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny

What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans

*sinks into depression*

Depression: “Wrong hole.”

“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”

Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?

What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?

My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”

So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼

Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.

Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit

Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one

THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?

THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.

It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.

Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?

We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.

What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.

Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest

Six feet under.

– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster

Wolves should really raise more people.

[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?

Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.