[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
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I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
lmao
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do