Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?

Me: Get?

A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.

What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”

Welcome to adulthood.

You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.

I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.

I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.

A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.

*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?

I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.

*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall

Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”

As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.

one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life

I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.

Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.

Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?

He replied….chicken.

Thank god he is good looking.

I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”

Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?

I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first

Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?

An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.

On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.

*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking

My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.

nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town

“Omg, I know where that is!!”