Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.

Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”

When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”

[napping on couch]

Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok I’ll be the cops.

Daughter: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Daughter: why?

Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.

Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.

Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq

Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…

I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.

Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks

God has left this place

A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.

A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.

Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.

I like to diffuse situations with humor

And a machete

Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I’m Local Man.

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.

I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?

Me: 69.

Interviewer: That’s not even close.

Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?

Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.

me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar

balloon animal guy: ok

Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.

The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.

Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.

piñata: harder daddy

me: [lifts blindfold] what

piñata: let me wear the blindfold