Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
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All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
No Google it does not
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…
But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder
I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!