Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
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Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Rt to bother an English speaker
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
welcome back
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.
My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.