Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
You Might Also Like
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up