Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.

In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.

What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else

i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top

Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!

am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise

christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks

Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.

My diet plan consists of multiple naps.

Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.

Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*

*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver

In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.

[first day working as a librarian]

ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh

HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying

[First day, CSI]

Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”

The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.

Sorry I speak my mind.

It’s the only one I have, so I’m using it.

remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???

You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.

*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?

Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”

Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy

He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…

*puts on sunglasses*

In the dust.

Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.

Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.

7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches

2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.

Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.

“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.

If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.

[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”