Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.

ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?

WIFE: For real

ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.

There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity

Hey boy, are you a software update because not now

A mechanical frog is called a ribot.

Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while

It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”

My sex drive has a dui

In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them

There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.

*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*

Punctuation Matters. Period.

Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half

I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly

Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.

I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.

Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.

I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.

Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight

*as soon as I relax*

-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!

date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss

I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.

What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*Quicksand

What I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”

Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-

Robin: you LIKE him!

Batman: omg shut up lol I do not

Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.

Saving my good tweets for marriage

*finds a corpse in the house*

Oh great, more cleaning.

the council will decide your fate

Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….

Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?