Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.

[Commercial for Legos]

Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?

Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…

After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy

Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.

You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.

My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”

Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?

AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire

LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping

My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

5: “Mommy why not?”

Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”

5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”

People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”

[first episode of tv show]

Guy: Hi

Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years

If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.

I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.

Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet

In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be

Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them

If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.

The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.

Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.

Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.

me: (11 pm) 😴

me: (1 am) 😴

me: (3 am) 😴

me: (5 am) 😴

me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!

HER: I love how we always finish each other’s

HIM:

HER:

HIM:

HER: Marriages

I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team

me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything

me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango

website: select a security question

me: ok

website: make of first car

me: nah

website: mother’s maiden name

me: nope

website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp

me: bingo

I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.

You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.

Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.