Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.

Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.

The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom

When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.

It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.

Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣

Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.

FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.

[HIGH SCHOOL]

teacher: you’ll use calculus one day

[AGE 40]

me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know

If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!

*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*

[At the police station]

Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning

Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe

Cop: okay what

In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.

It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.

I can’t stop watching this.

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

Looking good, Kim! #LNSM

Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?

I’m a kleptomaniac

It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it

[Baby shower]

Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.

Shouldn’t a grand piano only cost $1000?

*Creating a new social media app*

“It’s good but will it divide people? If not then what’s the point.”

my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera

Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.

My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions

imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better

Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.

#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

SUPER DANCE OFF??

Cop: OH YEAH

OH YEAH?

Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.

oh no

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?

“Can I shower with this cast?”

DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?

PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!