[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
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me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Got him!
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?