[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
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I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
My five year plan is a meteorite
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground