I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
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me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
girls literally only want one thing..
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍