Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
You Might Also Like
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Sorry. Not sorry
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
(True)
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.