Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
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My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Sharon, call the vet
Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.
Noah
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.