Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
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NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.
I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Siri: Retweet me.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?