Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
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*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Rambo Rambow
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition