Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
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Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.