Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*

[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget

Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”

Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*

White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE

I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed

HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it

ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys

Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.

the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something

Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you

Me: Where was he?

Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car

Me *impressed* he really went for it

“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*

It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means

ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*

[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall

So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.

[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH

feeling cute. might rob a bank later.

If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.

While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.

Me *about to get hit by a bus*

OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER

Angel: we need to make more creatures

God: why?

Angel: you killed them all

God:

Angel: giant meteor..

God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute

Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot

God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something

EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!

#titanic

Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.

Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.

Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths

NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down

I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.

It really gets her snickers in a twix.

me: i’m so excited for fall!

also me: where the hell did the sun go?

[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!