Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: Have often do you have sex?

Me: Once or twice

Doctor: A week?

Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on

My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.

The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien

Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.

it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad

17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*

Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*

Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.

His future in Politics is secure.

How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.

*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*

Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.

Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.

“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat

We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.

him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that

me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses

this is the best interaction on twitter

I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.

We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.

i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard

Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?

Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair

Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.

– alcohol

welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh

yall want some gasoline milk

“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available

Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..

Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?

HS: ..blocking the pickles.

There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”

St Peter: welcome to the afterlife

me: damn… there’s more?

Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.

If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer

Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.