Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok

She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!

*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*

Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.

Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.

Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?

My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.

journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?

me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]

[rolls down car window]

“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”

Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!

Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?

For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store

Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.

You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.

Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves

Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.

how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing

[me as a drug dealer]

Me: wanna buy some acid?

Guys: yeah, whaddya got?

Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic

Guys: (stab me repeatedly)

I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely

My son – not this again

Cop –

Maybe there is no baby

I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams

Now I’m hungry.

Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.

Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave

My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”

He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”

Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?

your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me

I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.

The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free

My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.

The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.

*Love in the time of coronavirus*

Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.