Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
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[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?
We do, now.
(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?