Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
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Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking