Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
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A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
True.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college