Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
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Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
opening twitter today
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.