Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?

My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂

“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.

he looks great for his age

I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are

I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.

I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone

My phone: Yeah, you crack me up

Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.

My husband and I are having a serious fight.

Do you think I should let him know about it?

Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…

Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.

I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there

Nice try, NASA

Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it

Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?

Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..

aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.

I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.

Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.

Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”

When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.

The prophecy is fulfilled

undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss

my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.

My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that

[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.

[playing 7 minutes in heaven]

doctor: ok lol plug him back in now

*at lawyer’s office*

Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon

*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!

I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.