Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
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Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
i now pronounce you bounced.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne