Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
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Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Pretty much! 😂👀
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Thank you 🥹
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.