Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
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me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
it is time once again
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.