Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.

pls suprot

waiter: do you have any allergies?

me: latex

waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat

me: airplanes

Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.

Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.

nobody:
my fish before I fry it:

All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon

My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.

Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual

Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.

this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”

I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.

I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.

Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.

ME: These frog testicles are delicious!

GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.

I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.

I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break

in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone

🏠

wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea

[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.

marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?

me: i don’t know

my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret

A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.

Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.

Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime

“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.

This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀

a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!

Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

[arriving in hell]

him: so what did you do?

me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea