Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
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People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Overheard:
“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”
“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Ain’t no way
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
I’d use my best pan on you.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”