Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice

My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.

It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.

If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.

[50 years from now]

*visiting husband’s grave*

“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”

The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together

Rules for rap battling Eminem:

1. Do not let Eminem go first.

2. Do not let Eminem go second.

Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.

You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.

If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.

Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?

Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!

I never met a cheese I didn’t like.

*On a 1st date*

Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉

Them: We’re having a picnic

Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said

A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.

me: we should tell our son he’s adopted

wife: but he isn’t

me: I know but I’m bored

Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.

I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.

FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot

I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit

I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.

“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”

Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.

Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.

They should invent clothes that get fat with you

Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them

5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.

My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet

“I’m so sorry”

“No, I’m really sorry”

“No, I’m even sorrier than you”

“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”

*mutual hug*

-Canadian rap battle