Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
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Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.