Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
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Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)