Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
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ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*