Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
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Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Me: Alexa, play music
Cop: where do you think you are?
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?