Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.

law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class

me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now

Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing

Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.

I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.

Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player

Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor

Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison

People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.

BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess

Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’

Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.

Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!

Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…

I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.

[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish

When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:

Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices

5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?

Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating

You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.

Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough

[Work Lunchroom]

Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?

Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.

“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?

That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”

flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker

I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.

If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car

Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.

Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL

Doctor:

coach: what are you doing???

me: you said do 50 singles

coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos

me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!

me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]

bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point

You: (about to show me a video on your phone)

Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it

the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star

me: in or out

dog: yep

me: which one

dog: you bet