Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
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reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.