Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
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COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.