Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
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Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
You deplete me
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”