Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
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Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
🤭😂
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳#stats
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions