Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
You Might Also Like
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?
It’s Journalism 101, people!
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.