Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
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No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
[help desk at the mall]
Her: can I help you?
Me: I want this desk to help me
Her: it doesn’t work that way
Me: it doesn’t look busy
Her: it’s a desk, sir
Me: a help desk
Why am I like this?
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.