Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.

She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face

Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?

What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?

A Candy Cane.

My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂

A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.

I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.

My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino

wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP

me: who’s all gonna be there

i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable

A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.

Come back with a warrant

How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.

doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button

This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.

If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.

deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”

My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.

Me: please wait a little longer

Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!

She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.

*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*

As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..

doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg

flamingo: i’ll manage

spider: same

snake: i have a question

I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache

“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”

Exactly

“What?”

It’s inflation

“I hate you”

2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)

2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)

Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…

I got a call the other day from my daughter asking if I could keep her kids over the long weekend so I said that would be fine

I don’t have a daughter, so some poor bastard is getting stuck with kids this weekend that he’s not ready for