Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“No man is an island.”

– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology

He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy

-Dr. Octavril Lavigne

My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.

I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”

I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.

– Viagra addict

*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*

Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.

I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.

[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.

I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying

Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious

Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!

He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.

[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.

I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.

When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.

Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.

Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.

All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.

[therapy]

me: I’m really trying to change

therapist: that’s great

me: I want to be become a different person

therapist: how

me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis

therapist: no

Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.

I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no

At the motel:

Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..

Me: I’d like a wakeup call.

FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.

I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.

The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.

In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be

I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..

Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…

I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?