Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
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Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
giddy up Office Depot
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you