Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
You Might Also Like
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Take care of yourself, ladies
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.