Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
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“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
For the baby who has everything
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
they really wanted me dead for this
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
