Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.

They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body

The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm

Me: Hi.

Girl: No.

9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip

god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]

My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.

europeans read a lot because their television shows suck

ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human

911,What’s your emergency?

Me: I think it’s a heart attack

911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead

[being seated for blind date]

her: have you ever been on one of these before

me: yeah I love chairs

COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”

Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started

Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton

” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.

Said no one ever.

My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.

Adult. I was an adult.

Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen

me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that

what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom

[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier

[inventor of the snooze button]

ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless

[interview at bank]

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber

Interviewer: what

Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?

[At the pearly gates]

Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?

Saint Peter: the book was so much better.

As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.

Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while

The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate

Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.

And I’ve still got time.

Pro debating tip:

Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.

I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me

today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit

I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.