Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all

Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?

I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”

I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”

God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?

Noah: yes

God: including the dinosaurs?

CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR

Noah: ….ya

Breaking news:

I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.

I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.

So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN

Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back

[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.

Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you

[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling

date: what are you thinking about

me: fall should be spelled fa//

date:

me:

date: fell should be spelled fe_ _

*we kiss*

I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat

going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again

There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.

Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.

– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?

-No.

– Do you want some?

Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.

[10 mins later]

Also me: I guess this is later enough.

“Some say I have a drinking problem”

*pours glass of water on lap*

None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.

Stick with me and you’ll go places.

None of them good, but still.

Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.

Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?

Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?

*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*

today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭

Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?

Her: My husband is having an affair!

Me: Really? Who’s catering?

Don’t make me out nice you.

husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*

me: what’s with all the water

him: you know FULL WELL