Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters

(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!

Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that

ashley: hey

ashleigh: heigh

VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?

ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.

[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin

[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–

[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…

[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*

This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.

Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends

me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No

My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.

I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.

I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.

why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this

“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever

[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up

These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.

I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable

I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.

Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.

My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.

“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*

[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer

Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha

Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended

Me: oh, what do you drive?

Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?

“Are you mad at me?”

No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????

“Describe yourself in 4 words.”

Bad at counting.

A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.

Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.

Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”