“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
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You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!
dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-
frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*
dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
*offers Batman cough drops*
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.