Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.

The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.

No surprise that a third place is with relationships.

You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.

*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*

*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*

I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole

my lawyer: deny everything

me: no

The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.

*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*

I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.

~ Me, flirting

I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.

A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.

[ I am abducted by aliens ]

alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different

me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR

Boss: How was vacation?

Me: Better than this.

*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*

*winks*

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

Caveman1: look, I invent wheel

Caveman2: what we do now?

Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel

Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet

You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.

billionaire: we’re all in this together

everyone: you lost money too?

billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer

Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?

Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.

And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.

When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..

by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.

I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.

If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.

[mailman delivering package to hospital]

DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered

MAILMAN: please stop saying that

“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.

My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road

COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?

ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me

As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.

Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”

Jesus: *deletes my account*

Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”