Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.

“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.

No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.

[6 months after breaking up]

Me: AND ANOTHER THING,

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries

I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.

I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.

Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.

[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office

[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”

I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate

My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.

Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*

Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.

I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.

So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.

I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess

If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

I threw up my hands in disgust last night.

Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.

Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.

My level of hotness..

I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.

My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”

Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?

Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.

Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname

I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.

me: [climbing a tree]

bonsai artist: please stop

Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?

The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.

Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead

Box: *violently shakes and hisses*

Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox

Box: *screeches threateningly*