Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
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Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
If you ever see me eating cheese straight out of the bag for dinner no you didn’t.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”