having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
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My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Me, trying to settle down in bed.
My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.
Anyone know an exorcist?
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.