having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Google reviews are always so mixed..
[20 minutes after it stops raining]
ME: *turns off windshield wipers*
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
