Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.

notice

Dog: Time to take me out

Me: Ok

[5 minutes later]

Me: [calling dog to the front door]

Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]

Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?

Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?

parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide

when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you

Bed should get ready for ME

If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.

I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.

Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn

Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush

If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.

Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done

Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran

Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”

“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”

“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.

After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.

I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.

My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”

[on the sidelines at a college football game]

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell

crowd: *not paying attention*

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!

crowd: *still not paying attention*

me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday

A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing

-life lessons from Softball Coach

My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day

I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..

There all like awww shit,

who’s it gonna be this time

It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.

who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?

When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.

*gets taste of own medicine*

Yep this is my medicine

The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.