Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Old MacDonald was holding his calculator upside-down, 01313.

horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?

deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day

There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.

Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…

[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*

2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside

ME: oh no

2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside

ME: OH NO

I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’

Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!

So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?

My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.

Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.

The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early

My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!

Me: What do you mean by pretending?

Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.

[crime scene]

*detective snaps pics of murder victim*

Corpse: delete it

Me: So what do you do?

Date: I’m a seismologist.

Me: No way! Can you…

Date: Please don’t.

Me: …guess my height?

[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

captain: any leads in the diarrhea case

detective: nothing solid

My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity

MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone

*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*

You crazy? Security will hear us

Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?

NOTHING

Security: ALRIGHT

#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?

My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.

12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight

The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.

I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING

“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.

Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?

for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english

here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”

…i mean VERY BAD TRIP