Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
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tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Taking phone security to the next level.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
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[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.