The past, the present & the future walk into a bar.
It was tense.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
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Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
White smoke from under my hood means either my starter went out or my car has elected a new Pope.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Understanding women isn’t rocket science.
Rocket science has rules and boundaries.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
I feel bad for spiders. I tripon my two feet all the time. Can only imagine the hell a clumsy spider goes through.