Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
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She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart