@girlposts

having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house

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@murrman5

[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”

@MarlonBrandNO

*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”

@mommajessiec

Husband: *bleeding*

Me: *calling 911*

Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.

@vladchoc

Hey look, Grandma! You made the cover of “Didn’t Make Me Any Cookies Weekly” again. “What good is she to anyone?” it says.

@ranndrew

Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.

@FrazzleMyGimp

HER: I wanna be your everything.

ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.

HER: No, not like-

ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.

@bourgeoisalien

No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother

@_freebird99_

OMG I LOVE RUNNING!

*endorphins wear off

That shit can’t happen again.