[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house
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*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Hey look, Grandma! You made the cover of “Didn’t Make Me Any Cookies Weekly” again. “What good is she to anyone?” it says.
*offers Batman cough drops*
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
OMG I LOVE RUNNING!
*endorphins wear off
That shit can’t happen again.