having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
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*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Don’t forget to tip your server
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries