having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
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when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
throat sock season is upon us.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”