having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
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Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…