having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
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Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.