Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.

I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork

SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it

[a light glows in the corner]

ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?

THEM: are you willing to take a drug test

ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down

Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.

Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife

Me: I missed you

Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet

Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)

Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.

[movie trailer]

IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES

*distant oinks and moo’s*

ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL

*dramatic music*

BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN

*slow piano music*

BEFORE HE HAD A FARM

*flying shot of rolling hills*

HE WAS…

*extreme close up*

YOUNG MACDONALD

[coming soon]

billionaire: we’re all in this together

everyone: you lost money too?

billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer

I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”

wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die

Word of the Day: No

Please use it in a sentence: No.

Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.

me: *fixing something*

him: that’s not broken

me: well, it is now

Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”

Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.

iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same

Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.

Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”

We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”

Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..

I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.

Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.

Good morning, Twitter 😊

*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*