Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile

Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.

I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.

Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.

I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.

I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.

It could be worse.

You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.

I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.

[family therapy]

JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference

DOC: Why do you do that?

ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond

Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”

Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?

Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.

If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”

I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…

‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.

boss: why are you so late?

me: why are you so obsessed with me?

Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”

Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”

Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”

Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.

Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”

Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.

Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.

I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head

Win some, lose some

This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.

If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.

TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit

ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?