Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.

Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?

Proctologist: no

Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl

My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.

Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”

Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies

My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.

“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.

Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”

It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again

5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.

Me: Yup, that’s right.

5: And my brother will be 9.

Me: Good job.

5: And you’ll be fort-

Me: That’s enough math for now.

got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to

Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with

These are my roll models.

Did it again.

Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes

GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me

feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* endorphins

Me: No, just whales

“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.

Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.

Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.

Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)

Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.

I’m not embarrassed.

I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.

(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)

Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it

I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days

Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week

1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow

My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now