Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
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children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher