Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
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A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Sounds like a real hoot.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.