Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.

dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’

Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.

some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”

I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.

My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb

I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.

if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever

Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole

Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

*Paranormal Factivity*

[I walk into my bathroom]

“OH MY GOD”

[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]

It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.

I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”

My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.

*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!

[Burping a baby]

Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”

In case you haven’t checked Facebook,

It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!

it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

the girlies are turning into genghis khan

Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss

My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.

I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.

Day 5 of self quarantine:

My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children

beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too