Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
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They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.